Obsession is never a good thing, and when it leads to frustration it becomes unbearable.

Having injured my back again I’ve had quite a lot of idle time which I really dislike.  It allows my mind to wander and think about things I’ve not allowed myself  to think of normally.

My current obsession is a project car, which given my current state of health is an absolutely stupid idea.  I can barely get into a car, let alone work on one.  So the frustration has begun to set in.  A stupid frustration really.  But frustration nonetheless.

The above photograph is of a figurine I found on my girlfriend’s shelf.  It’s a figurine of Misa Amane, a character from the Japanese anime,  “Death Note”.

I won’t go into detail, but Death Note is about a rather exceptionally smart high school boy (Light Yagame) that finds a special notebook, one from the Shinigami realm.  If he writes the name of anyone in the notebook whilst having the image of the person in mind that person will die.

In summary, the story arc goes something like:

• boy (Light Yagame) finds notebook, boy realises the power he has,
• Light Yagame develops God complex and attempts to rid the world of evil by killing all those he judges as evil,
• good people begin to die because boy believes they’re standing in the way of justice,
• police, and an equally smart freelance agent known only as “L” hunt down Light Yagame,
• …there are various twists and turns along the way, some very unexpected,
• Oh, and Light becomes known to the general populace as “Kirra”, and is believed to be a hero by some.  His identity is of course unknown.

The character in the above photo becomes obsessed with Kirra, and finds a notebook of her own.  Let me just say, things don’t end happily for her.

I recommend this anime.  It’s a good watch.  The character development is great, and you start to feel for the characters.

I wonder what it is that eventually hurts us the most, the obsession, or the frustration caused by the obsession?

…how does one remain content whilst aspiring to achieve more?

It seems that those that have truly achieved greatness don’t even realise they have.  They remain obliviously content in achieving more and more, and more.

Times will often pop up where you’re given the choice to hide in anonymity and go with the flow, or take the opportunity and make some noise.

From everything I’ve seen, the only way to get ahead in this world is to make some noise.  There are many that will just take it easy and disappear, but the few that make a stand are the few that are successful (…and there’s quite a bit more than “a few” that are successful).

BUT, those of us that want to take a stand and make a noise need to watch out that we don’t travel too far into arrogance.  Arrogance won’t get you anywhere.

If I look back at my life I can see the many times where I’ve hid in anonymity.  Choosing the road with a known outcome.  Often the outcome would be acceptable, but far from the best, and more often than not a worthless outcome, one that would see little to no growth of me as a person…and sometimes a decline in this growth.

Other times I’ve taken that road that could lead to complete and utter failure, or incredible success.  I’ve experienced both, but even in failure there’s a growth which can be used towards future success.

I’m sure everyone reading this has experienced the same thing.  If we don’t make any noise, we’re not extending ourselves, and if we’re not extending ourselves, we’re not gaining anything.

Being comfortable is an important thing.  For some it’s very easy to find comfort, for others like me, it’s not.

I have a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder.  During the hard times it really rears it’s ugly head causing me to be anxious about nearly everything, and can range from having to always wash my hands to checking things multiple times.

In some ways it’s a good thing.  I will always finish something that I’ve started because of it, and if there’s something that I would like to do, but don’t know how to do, I will sit there and figure it out for myself until I’ve mastered it.

In other ways it’s not such a good thing.  For example, minutes get added to my day every morning walking back and forth between the car and the front door.  What am I doing walking back and forth?  I’m checking that the front door is locked.

To an outside observer it must look quite hilarious.  Here’s a man getting into a car, closing the car door, re-opening the car door, walking back to the front of the house, coming back, getting into the car, closing the car door.  All to repeat a few times over.

I can force myself to not go back and check.  But the times I do this, I find myself feeling anxious when at work.  Often I’ll end up coming back at lunch time just to make sure that the door is actually locked.  Or if it becomes unbearable I’ll try and take a few minutes to actually come home and check (one of the benefits of working five minutes from home).

It’s insane.

But I’ve come to accept a part of this insanity.  It’s a part of what makes me who I am, and is also a part of me that enables me to learn anything I put my mind to.

If I see a photograph that I like, but don’t know what the photographer did to achieve the result, with camera in hand I will sit here until I figure it out.  If there’s a tune in my head that I believe I have the ability to play, or a phrase that I want to translate to guitar, I’ll sit here until I have it down.

If anything, this “obsessive compulsiveness” has enabled the belief that I have in myself that I can learn how to do anything that I want to.  The only boundary is time.